Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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