I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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