Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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