I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
