i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize