I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm jealous of your bromance
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
