Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
