when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
