i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
