My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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