dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
