she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
time to smoke my breakfast
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
