two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
