Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
