Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
