omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
