An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
