So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
