i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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