So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
