there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
