so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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