yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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