Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
