just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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