mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
