dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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