Where is the hickey?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
