Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
