the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize