I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
