i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
