go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
