Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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