I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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