eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
