It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wear drunk well.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
