2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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