this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
