Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
