And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
