my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
