all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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