K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
