Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
