I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
