dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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