I need help removing her.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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