Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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