I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
