Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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