the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
