woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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