if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
