I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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