if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
